Love, or something stupider?
Except you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve most likely seen the hurt bae video. If you haven’t, here ya go. You’re welcome. We watched the video and got thinking, why do girls stay with boys who hurt them? And vice versa, of course.
See ehn, I’m only gonna reel out a couple of guesses because I really don’t know these things.
Why do people stay with partners who hurt them?
Hope is most likely the number 1 culprit – very dangerous thing this. We are ingrained with the messiah complex and nothing makes us happier than knowing we’re responsible for someone’s transformation. When it’s a lover, that ‘superhero’ complex goes into overdrive and we want to do everything possible to solve this problem that’s so close to home. It doesn’t matter if we keep getting hurt, we’ll keep trying because we kinda feel responsible for whatever shitstorm is going on. Well, until we somehow manage to succeed (because who doesn’t like such awesome testimonies) or we fail so much that our eyes ‘clear’ and we move on.
And sometimes we don’t even know the damage we’re taking even when we see it. Like one of my favourite authors wrote: “When we make our own misery we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change, because misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable.”
Humans are fucked up. Our emotions can never be predicted or streamlined to a particular way of reacting to situations. I believe we’re built to absorb all kinds of emotional hurt and pain and most times, people don’t know when to stop absorbing shit.
Girls stay with guys that hurt them because they’re comfortable either with what they have or what they used to have or what they think they could have. So they just wait and wait and take all kinds of shit because they believe that that’s the best they can do. They claim it’s love, but I think it’s a weird form of obsession with the ‘relationship’. Not with their partner but with the relationship itself and what they think it could be. Of course they stay and stay and when they realize how stupid staying was, they start to feel sorry for themselves and expect the rest of us to feel sorry for them. Pfft.
One of the mysteries of this life.
Based on rational thinking, you would expect that no sane person will stick with a partner that consistently hurts them… but then no one is really rational (though we all try to pretend otherwise). Come to think of it, as an Arsenal fan, Arsene Wenger (and the club) has been doing exactly the same thing to me, and I still stay loyal supporting the club – why? Sorry for digressing.
Back to the #HurtBae matter. I think the first problem is personal. A low sense of self-worth. If the person has a low self-worth, then they will probably believe they are getting what they deserve OR maybe even believe they deserve so much worst. So they stick around and soak it all in.
And then there is fear. Fear in any form is a terrible thing. And it becomes really worst in a relationship when it is combined with low self-esteem. You are constantly in fear that if this person leaves you, you may never find another like them (which is true though). You fear that this maybe your only chance to love and so whatever shit the person throws at you, you just take it in all. And the fear of the unknown may never let you be bold enough to leave.
As bad as “Fear” is, I think “Hope” is the worst. That is the reason why I am still supporting Arsenal – after all the emotional trauma that the club has put me through. I always hope that the next match will be better, that the next season will better. Hope can be dangerous. So in a relationship, you get to hope the partner wakes up one day and stops hurting you. You hope there won’t be another incident, you hope that they get to appreciate you more… and you hope you stay around long enough to witness it.
Red (Morgan Freeman) from Shawshank Redemption has this to say about hope:
Hope? Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. It’s got no use on the inside. You’d better get used to that idea.
The last one (I think) is the least obvious. What I will like to call “A Saviour (or Hero) Complex”. Every once in a while, we all want to be the hero of the story. We all what to be the person that comes in and save the day. And so you stick around in with a partner that hurts you, trying to save them from their ways. And Abena (@Kene_co) put it so well in her tweet.
Too many girls out there would LOVE to be the one to make him stay, to fix him or prove he can be faithful.
— Abena (@kene_co) February 16, 2017
But the truth is, it is not your job to save anybody!
Why do girls stay with boys that hurt them? As a guy, i’ll probably never know. It could be love (weird as that sounds), desperation, insecurity/fear (if they’ll ever find another man), obstinacy, fatalism, or even machismo. We probably will never know.
What do you think? Tell us below!